starting over

Ok so here we are again in a wait mode.  I had my U/S this morning at 845. (no day care kids till 1:30 today)  I was confident and eerily calm!  That devotion that I read earlier in the week has done wonders for me.  "You will not find my peace by engaging in excessive planning".  I am a planner and normally I'd be thinking, if we see this on Thursday we can do this Friday and if we dont see this maybe I can get an other US on Friday after work....etc.  Anyway Im not doing that this time.  I have said my prayers, I have asked God to give my Dr the guidance he needs to help me succeed, and I have asked God to provide me with another healthy little baby to add to my little family.  Its in his hands and I trust in that and I am comfortable with that.  Do I still hope it goes the way I want?  Yep that wont ever go away.  But am I worried about it?  nope not in this moment, and thats whats most important.  Will I be sad if it doesnt work? Probably but as we saw during my first go around with this I was able to get back on my feet.  And now I am at a point where I truely believe I will be ok in the end no matter what happens.  I love my son dearly and with all my heart want a sibling for him.  He wants one as well.  I think that if things don't work out as I hope that he will be very dissapointed and this will be my sore spot.  Knowing that he will not have siblings.  But we will survive and as long as we have each other I will be happy.  My child/children will always be my first priority.

Now on to what the actual appointment showed up.  I had the US.  We saw that there was one main follicle that was of an accurate size for the timing. (there were 2 other small ones as well that he did not measure).  It measured between 1.8 and 1.9.  My lining was .9.  both of these numbers as far as I can remember are the best numbers I have had yet!  I am excited about them.  Also the fact that there were actually 3 follicles there I believe is good.  Dont think I have ever had 3.  They were on my right side too.  This is only the second time that I will try an IUI from follicles on the right side.  This side is good and clear we know this because when I had the HSG 2 weeks ago the dye spilled out on that side easily. He did look at the left side and as usual had a difficult time even finding the ovary.  I am not sure if he ever even got a clear look at it today.  I dont think there were any follicles.  Not sure why he has such a hard time over there!  But the fact that the good ones were on the right side is encouraging.  After the US the dr came back in to talk to me about our options.  He said that If I have my LH surge before saturday that he would like to scarp this cycle and call them not mature.  He said that if that is the case that next month at about this same time he would like to give me one tablet of Lupron?? ( think that is what it was)  this should stall the ovulation and give me about another 24 hours for follicles to continue to grow.  I totally understand what he is saying but also feel like this is a good cycle and if I were to get an LH surge tomorrow I feel like the numbers were all pretty great.  Better than all the other times I tried.  But I am going to go with his opinion since I have prayed for God to give him the guidance he needs.  I am trusting in God and my Dr.  Anyway If I safely make it through tomorrow without the LH surge and I peak on Saturday I will more than likely be having an IUI Saturday afternoon.  The idea of this excites me.  I like this cycle for many reasons.  It has been a little bit of a whirlwind.  I never expected to be trying this month to begin with.  But after having the HSG test and it going so well and then after going off the pill and getting my first normal AF that I have had in a long time.  Then scheduling an US and being able to do that on a day where I actually have the morning off, and then if all continues to go well  the IUI will be on Saturday which is also a very convenient day where I dont have to ask anyone for help.  I just feel like this has been the easiest cycle, with a good AF and good numbers.  I want squishy to meet this egg! lol.  Also trying to be cool and not get too excited.  my back has been achy the last couple days esp today.  and the last 3 days I have seen "high" on the monitor.  I am hoping for one more day of "high" and then Saturday it can say "peak"  Of course this is the waiting part and the part I have no control over.  And right here and right now is where I need to relax and not get anxious.  I will test for the LH again this afternoon.  I will do my normal morning monitor tomorrow.  If it doesnt say peak in the morning I am confident we will have made it to saturday!!!  Waiting, Praying, and believing!

good results

I could not be more happy with the results of the HSG today.  I was nervous but nowhere near the nervous I usually get.  When nervous I usually get and upset stomach.  Not one twinge.  I think the whole time I really just believed that I could handle it.  Anyway so this is what happened.  I get there and get told what happens and find out that my Dr. is there even though I was told that the hospital staff was going to have to do the procedure because of my insurance.  I was glad to see him he is a comfort to me.  Treats me like Im his buddy with high 5's and stuff.  Almost a little weird!!! lol.  Im up on the table he inserts the catheter.  It wasnt awful but there was some cramping.  Its not just a slight coming cramp either.  Its the makes you jump off the table kind hits you hard! lol.  I did not jump off the table though and was thankful it was tolerable and was hopeful that was as bad as it would get.  I heard the dye was the painful part though.  So he pushes the dye through.  It was a spreading burning/cramping feeling.  Uncomfortable but not scary.  At the end the Dr showed me the screen so i could see what the dye did.  The right side the dye went through easily and spilled out the end.  The left side he had to give it an extra little push.  the dye went through though!  But cuz of that extra little nudge it is possible that it wasnt all the way open.  All of my US's showed the eggs on the left side accept my last try.  Its very possible with them on the left side and that side being slightly blocked that I really wasnt getting a full good shot at things.  My third try was from the right side and we were happy about that cuz we thought it would be a new and different shot at it.  Anyway all went well.  A little cramping when getting off the table and then when I got home I stayed hunched over for a bit cuz it got worse.  I am feeling better now after a couple Tylonal and a hot bath.

After the test the Dr said that I should not take the pill tomorrow, making tomorrow CD 1.  then on 5-9 I will take Femera and on CD 14 I will go in for US.  I have an appt for Sept 20th at 4pm.  I will also start POAS next week to see if I see LH surge and will call him if I do before the 20th.

I cant believe this is happening this fast.  I thought it was going to be October!  I am not looking forward to all the POAS and timing things.  I just want to see a good US and go for it with confidence.  I feel this is gonna happen this time just wish we could jump to the BFP!!! lol

well im back and its been a whirlwind!

Sunday August 26th many quick decisions were made.  I finally had a talk with my mom that I had long wanted to have but couldnt work up the nerve.  I wanted to talk about the posibility of TTC again.  I had just found out there was a sale going on till the 31st of August.  Buy 2 vials get 20% off.  THEN I also found out that since I am a member of CLI thru September that I am also still eligible for a special they had.  Which was buy 5 vials within 12 months get the 6th free.  I had already tried 3 times and was wanting to purchase 2 more so I would actually be getting 3!  The problem???  Picking a new donor within the next 3 days!  Vials had to be shipped by wed 29th in order to arrive by friday before the long weekend.  I searched and searched.  I was NOT having any luck.  I still really wanted to choose a donor with options.  There was not much to choose from and I feared settling.  I went over the list that I had made a year ago.  A list that I had crossed many potential donors off of for one reason or another.  There was one donor that I had always liked he was a cute little boy.  His medical history was pretty good and all his family was Dr's!  But then I listened to his audio interview and was instantly turned off.  He had a really bad accent and I could hardly understand anything he said.  He sounded really dumb.  I tried to ignore the accent thinking he obviously is not dumb he is a dr.  and besides my kid wont have an accent.  So I let my mom and good friend listen to him.  The said NO immediately as well! lol.  I still was trying to stay optimistic as he was so cute and smart.  I found out from CLI that he only had 1-5 reported pregnancies. I didnt love those numbers and assumed it was probably for the same reasons I was apprehensive of him.  So I moved on trying to find someone else.  I came upon a picture of a sweet little boy that I had said no to in the past.  I thought he was funny looking.  his face was all squished up and he was drooling! lol.  I said no way.  But this time around I am looking with fresh eyes and I realize this boy is happy and smiling hugely hence the squished face and drool! lol.  So I dig deeper.  He seems to have a healthy history.  He is still young.  His career aspiration is Zoology!  As i listen to his audio I realize he is a normal down to earth guy!  he loves soccer!  I dont have sports in my genes and neither does Brady so that couldnt hurt! lol.  he also said people say he looks like Andy Samberg when he lets his hair grow.  I googled him and found him to be a somwhat attractive man with good strong facial features.  I think this could be it!  I show him to my mom and my friend.  They like him.  Then I find out that he too only has 1-5 reported pregnancies!  I am dissapointed and ready to start all over.  I dug a little deeper and find that he has only be in the program since April 2011.  Then I find out that the accent guy has been in the program since 2006!  wow squishy has the same amount of pregnancies in a year that this other guy has in 6 years!  I am happy with Squishy now.  I say, I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine!  I love that saying from nemo!  I immediately go on my FB and find the perfect picture for my cover photo.  It is a picture of Dory talking to a little jellyfish saying I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine.  funny thing.....the little jelly fish looks like a sperm! lol.  everything clicked for me and squishy it is!  I ordered the vials they showed up at my drs office the next day and I am excited but not as excited as last time.  I think im staying calm this time as i know what to expect and the TTC part is not the fun part.
I have and HSG test tonight at 4pm.  Im a little nervous about it as i have heard it hurts.  some people have had awful experiences.  There are many others though that tell me it just just like cramping.  I pray its mild and that I am able to sit still on the table for the test.  I also pray for wonderful results.  I prat that the dye is able to clean out my tubes and that next month I will conceive!  I would so love for it to work the firs time this time.  It would be fantastic!  I am guessing an about June 8 due date if this is the case.  I like the sounds of that date.  Brady should be done with school, so the baby wont be screwing up his sleep schedule.  the only thing i do fear in realizing this date is that other kids will be out of school as well and i worry the hardship will cause them to go elsewhere.  I really cannot afford to lose my job.  I dont plan on taking more than 2 weeks off and thats well within my vacation policy.  so I would hope people would stick with me.  with my main family 2 weeks is only actually 7 days for them. and the other family its only about 7-8 days.  anyway no point in worrying about that right now.

I just had to get this out there and start blogging again.  I will probably write again tomorrow about the results of the test!

lets do this again

well here I am the day before my next US.  Could very possibly be my last US. Im so scared of that.  I hope to have US's every 3 months for the next 9 months! lol.  I really need to see an egg larger than 2.0 and a lining of at least 1.0.  I have been praying hard for this.  I am soooo trying to stay positive and focused.  I keep getting these excited flutters in my heart.  My old doll house that my grandpa built my mom when she was a little girl keeps popping in my head.  I want to refinish it for my daughter.  I get that same flutter when I realize I might be pregnant next week!  When I think about telling all my friends and family the good news.  When I think about my wonderful pregnancy that I so desire to experience again.  When I think about giving birth again.  Bradys birth was the best day of my life and I remember everything.  But When he came out and surprised us by being a boy there was so much going on and I wanted to get out of the tub and I had to get cleaned up before I could truly sit and just hold him.  There was a lot going on and I feel like Its all just a blur and I just want to experience it all again.  I want Brady to experience it with me.  I cant wait till the baby comes out and I can call Brady to come in to see it.  I just know he will be crying.  He is such a special and sentimental boy.  He will want to hold him/her, feed him/her, get his/her clothes out.  Anything.  I am realistic as well though and I do know with the age difference there will be times  of trial.  Times when he needs or wants something from me and I have my hands full.  I have no intention of letting my interactions with him suffer.  I will be spread thin being a SM and all but its what I want and I know I can handle it.  We are living our lives and making new relationships.  I know I have many friends on my side.  And my parents the joy I just know they will feel knowing they will have another grandchild, that too excites me.  I always thought Id have more than one child.  Possibly 3.  I have promised myself a grieving period if this is not meant to be, but also to get back up on that horse and to live my life with the most important thing in my life and that is my son.  I still cannot at this point imagine that this is not going to work.  I just know this is meant to be.  Even though doubt tries to creep in.

If I see everything I need to see with my US tomorrow I imagine just like last month I will trigger that night and then IUI friday morning.  I have taken Friday off in the hopes of having a relaxing day for myself.  Last month I ended up sick and I dont know if that hurt my chances at all but having Friday off at least assures that I can relax when I get home.  It is hard for me to take time off so I am a little scared that having the day off already that what if the US doesnt look perfect and I dont inseminate this month?  then I would have wasted a day off.  Because I dont think I can get people to come on friday If i tell them tomorrow night that they can.  Im afraid they all probably have made other plans already.  If I dont IUI on Friday and I already have the day off that just means I will have to do it again next month!  This part is so stressful for me.  I just keep praying that maybe this month I will have 2 eggs over 2.0 and a wonderful lining!  My mom has even made it possible for her to take brady to school before work on friday so that i dont have to worry about that.

If by some awful chance I do not see what we need to see tomorrow I will not waste the last vial.  I am thinking it might be time to try other meds.  Ones that do not have the risk of cysts and that do not dry up my lining.  I really do not want to have to do this since Clomid has been giving me good eggs but I feel it might be necessary.

If you remember at the start of all this I wanted to have an end of 2012 baby.  If I conceive with this cycle my due date will be Jan 7 2013.  Brady was born a week early so 2012 is still possible!  But honestly I dont really care anymore if its 2013!

I am going to believe with all my heard and all my prayers that Friday the 13th, 2012 will be my lucky day!!!!

Dear God,

Dear God,

I ask that you show yourself this week.  I am in need of your presence and your guidance.  Please allow my body to be healthy and work properly in order to carry my healthy child that I know you are going to give me and my family.  Please bless my Dr and give him guidance with the procedures I will have done.  Thank you Lord for all that you have given me especially my precious son.  He would so love to be a big brother and I am proud of him and I know he would be a darn good one.  Lord I truly want to experience the miracle of life just this one last time.  Please bless me with a healthy boy or girl to raise.  I promise to take care of this child for all of his/her days along side Brady, and to be the best parent I can be and to teach him/her your way.  We are part of a wonderful church that I cannot wait to introduce him/her to.  Lord I just pray that you are with me in whatever you decide, no matter what happens I will indeed need you.

                                              Amen

game over

Well its official.  I am out of the game for this month.  Im devistated and truely surprised!  I really felt like this was it.  The timing was perfect.  I cant help but worry about the things that I cannot control!  Like are the sperm mobile?  My doctor does not check this.  But the donor has pregnancies so I am trying to just trust it.  Also am I too late  when I am doing the IUI?  Did the trigger make O the next day and I waited the full 36 hours?  Yesterday I had heavy cramping and I started with some brown cm and then some pink/red and then brown again.  Today so far all Im getting is some yucky brown.  The pink in the middle yesterday was weird for my cycle. I usually have brown for a couple days and red for one day.  I continued to try to hold out hope yesterday.  Only to be dissapointed yet again today.  My temps have been way down 2 days in a row now.  Now my next concern is do I count this crap in my cycle?  or do I wait for it to turn red?  That is the same concern every month.  I hate my period and If I have to have it I just wish it was normal again.  I am at my 1 year anniversary of when I started all this and im just in a funk right now.  I talked to god out loud last night.  I have been going to a ladies church meeting where we just recently talked about how God is with us in the good and bad time and the times when we are struggling.  The times when we wonder where he is he is actually there.  And that we should ask him once in awhile to show himself.  I asked him that yesterday and he did not show this morning.  When I woke up and got another low temp I was angry and I told him that he was not there.  Friends keep telling me that this might not be in Gods plan.  Do they think that helps the way I feel at all?  that is an awful thought that God would not want me to have something that would so dearly make me happy!  I am so used to working hard for the things I want.  Setting a goal and doing all I can to obtain it.  I dont blame God when I dont have the money to buy something I want.  Its my own fault I didnt save it.  So when it comes to this, something that I cannot control just by having money or earning it or working hard for it I just dont know  how to deal.  I feel very sad because I can only afford to try one more time.  What if thats not it?  Last month I just knew it would work but if it didnt I knew I had one more try.  This month I dont have that reassurance.  Maybe I dont need it.  That would be great.  I feel like if I had more money I could keep trying but even with money I do not have control of weather it works or not.  So I cannot justify spending more money.  If it is Gods will for me to have another child it will happen this time.  Because this is all I have.  I do hope that God knows that.  A friend also told me that its in time like this when we are sad or weak that the devil tries to sneak in.  She said that God is watching for our reactions to situations.  I hope that God understands my disspointment this morning and knows that I still believe in him, that I still need him.  And that even though hard I do understand that my plan may not be the same as his plan.  Again hard for me to believe that he wouldnt want something for me that would make me and Brady and the rest of my family unbelieveably happy.  I hope that God doesnt give up on me because I might thought for a few moments that he abandoned me.  I did not curse him or say anything that I regret so I am happy that I didnt do that.   But I still worry if he might feel I abandoned him by accusing him of abandoning me.

waiting

ok so I have been going back and forth over the last week and a half between constipation and diarrhea.  mostly constipated but 2 times had diarrhea.  I am normally very regular.  Up until last night I have not been getting to go.  Then last night I got a pretty twisted up feeling tummy and then really really went.  I felt fine after that.  This morning im still feeling fine but my stomach was making lots of gurgling noises!   Nothing ever came of it.  Later on now this morning I started to feel that heavy crampy feeling in my lower ab.  more the the left side though I was feeling some twinges and dull aches.  now i just for the most part feel the crampy feeling all the way across my lower ab.  I keep thinking this shouldnt be so hard.  I either am pregnant or im not i hate analyzing all this. i feel like my brain has convinced me that im pregnant!  and that im slightly insane.

I had the most wonderful dream last night that I had a beautiful baby girl.  I even dreamed I had to deliver her on my own and she was perfect.  I woke up missing her and sad because she wasnt here with me.

Anyway AF is due approx Thurs.  Im supposed to be able to test on thurs.  I did test yesterday and got a negative.  I was even more surprised since the trigger shot is known to give false positives that being the reason for waiting the full 2 weeks.  i guess it was no longer in my system.  I have the heavy somewhat crampy feeling in lower ab and lower back.  totally could be AF but also same symptoms as pregnancy.  Im totally still praying for the later!

This being my first true good efforted try I feel the disapointment will be huge for me if I see AF.  Im so scared of that.  I am hoping that tomorrow being I am getting done with work early to go see my sons choir concert that that might be a good distraction from thinking about it.

sad

I am feeling sad and discouraged today.  I have no symptoms to speak of other than the fact that i am emotional.  But thats probably just me being anxious.

I broke down and tested.  It says negative.  I am still praying that Im too early.  So much for the trigger shot giving a false positive!  I woulda done anything to have seen a positive just now.

I feel like this just cannot be happening.  I believe that I am pregnant.  I have heard women who have been trying for a long time say the same things though.  I dont want to sound stupid or naive by saying that.  I did not take the test with my first morning urine.  So every day I can believe that I am pregnant.  And then the day I crack and take the test knowing its too early I can find every reason in the book not to believe it.  Its too early, it wasnt first morning urine.  I knew this test would not help my dilemma so I have no idea why i couldnt stay strong and wait.  I waited last time.  But I was so disapointed when I started spotting!  Its almost like I want to know before the spotting starts so that Im not as disapointed.  However I am still praying that I tested to early making for a really happy exciting moment when I test again and it says positive this time!

Oh I am so psycho at this point.  I just cannot imagine going through all this again.  Im so scared that if it doesnt happen this month that it might not at all! I as a naturally pecimistic person have been so optimistic through this whole thing.  I have been taken down a peg every month for the last year.  I am not sure how much longer I can hold the optimism!  Please lord change that test for me on friday!

what a roller coaster ride.

Well I'm back to being disapointed again this morning.  Yesterday that breast tenderness I was feeling pretty much disappeared.  And nothing this morning.  I wondered if it was just the bra I was wearing that day.

I keep thinking about testing early but I just fear that false positive.  and even more I fear a negative!

Excited about possible new symptom

So every day I hope to wake up with some sort of symptom that will encourage me.  I have for the most part not been waking up with anything new and then I end up dissapointed.  Later in the afternoon something new usually pops up and then I am excited again.  Here are a couple new things

Yesterday I woke up and was very dizzy.
I had a slight temp dip yesterday morning (does not nec mean implantation dip)
lower ab felt heavy
had to get up the last couple nights to use the bathroom once
still gassy
I was disapointed again this morning when nothing new happened.  Although my temp did go back up.  Then late this afternoon my underarms and sides of my breasts started to hurt.  I know totally weird but I am excited about it! lol

I am 8 days in to the 2WW.  Bring on more symptoms!

Symptoms?

Well I am not having a lot of symptoms currently.  But the first couple days I was analyzing everything!  And last time I TTC everything was a symptom.  Im a little worried since I dont have a lot going on that can really be interpreted as a symptom!  Here are a few things I have noticed though

My temps are staying pretty close together.  Im usually up and down every day.
my fingernails are white and strong right now.
I had a bit of constipation and the couple times i did go it was not much and soft
then yesterday i ended up with a stomach ache and finally got to go.
i was pretty tired yesterday
gassy!

yeah doesnt look like much so I guess the wait is still on! on 6DPiui so I have another week wait.  I am praying so hard that I start seeing and or feeling something!  I want this so bad!

Finally had IUI

So I cant believe it but I think my timing and everything was finally in line!  On CD14 I went in for my U/S.  I had one good follie on the left side again a little bigger than last month.  2.19 by something.  Then when he looked at the lining he seemed happy until he measured it.  He was surprised that it only measured at .75.  he hope it was 1 at least.  But he said it was trilaminar so that is good.  He said it was a mature lining.  He said that if I wanted to give it a try he was behind me on it.  So he gave me the trigger shot and showed me how to mix it and give it to myself.  I was to give it to myself 7pm that night and come back on Friday the 16th  at 7am.  That night my mom gave me the shot.  Didnt hurt at all to get the shot.  They told me to rub the area.  Since then the area has not bothered me at all.  Only noticed it was sore a little when I layed on that side.  So I went back at 7am Friday March 16th.  I was and am still sooooo excited.  The doctor was happy with the procedure and said it was a good one.

The reason I have not posted till now about it is cuz I was really sick afterwards.  I had a day care kid vomit on Thursday at lunch.  Then that night my son threw up as well.  Then after the IUI I came home only had the one sick kid and I was gonna try to relax.  I started not to feel well.  By 130 I threw up and called the kids mom and asked her to come get him.  She did and then I was sick again at 430 and 1130pm that night.  Saturday morning I was supposed to go to the cities shopping with my son and mom.  I did sleep through the night but was worried that once I got moving again that things would start happening again.  I felt pretty bad and nervous about being sick all day till 5pm when I finally ate and felt way better.  Been fine since.

I really wish I could say I was feeling some symptoms even though I know its too early.  But I like the website twoweekwait.com.  I have been reading lots of stories about women and their first symptoms.  I dont know how you can have symptoms so early.  Things that seem minimal but might be symptoms are that my nails and nice and white and strong, I have been dreaming at night, I was thirsty and drank a lot of water today and am kinda constipated.

Anyway I'm on CD19 which is according to my chart 3dpiui.  yesterday my chart said that O was CD15 which was the day before IUI.  But today when I posted my temp it changed and now it says I O'ed on CD16 which was the day of O.  So that should all be good I think.

I will continue to post hopefully with lots of symptoms!

U/S scheduled

Well the nurse finally called back last night.  I didnt get the message till after 7 though.  The question was was the 1st day one or was the 3rd day one?  They said to go ahead and make the 1st day one.  So last night at 730 pm I went ahead and took the first day of Clomid.  I set the alarm on my phone to go off every night at 730 now! lol.  As I type this I am remembering that I will be in a meeting at 730 tonight so I guess I will have to remember to take it a little early!
Anyway so I had to call the nurse back this morning to set up a time for the U/S.  The 14th is CD14 so we made the appt at 430 that afternoon.  I am hoping that wont be a big deal for my dad to come watch the kids for about an hour so I can go to the appt.  I then asked the nurse about if the follie and lining are all good we will be doing the HCG shot and then 36 hours later the IUI.  I found out that my dr is leaving at noon for vacation on that friday I will need the IUI!  I sure hope that he didnt make his decision about day one based on the fact that he was going to be out of town.

Well what I am thinking is that if all is good at US I will have to give myself the shot at about 7pm that night.  Then I would need the IUI at 7am on friday.  The nurse said that he doesnt come in till 8 on fridays and that that friday he is done at noon! lol.  I said well he gave me his cell number from the start of all this and he said that he would be there and if he could not that his partners would be.  So I'm really hoping that 7am will work for him.  Its only an hour!!!  I only have one kid that day but I would need to get my dad to come that morning for that kids arrival since I will probably not be back by the time he gets here at 8.  And I would really like some time before running bending and picking up a kid.  Unfortunately he is somewhat of a cranky kid but he is about 10 months old and when I do get back he should be ready for a bottle and a nap!  I would really like to just relax for a bit.  Thennnnn...Hopefully my dad will take Brady to school and all should be quiet around here for about an hour.  Whew.  it just seems like so much is riding on timing.  I pray it all goes the way I just wrote it! lol.  The other way is that US says im too early and I have to go in the next day or even the next 2 days to watch the follie.  And then the IUI has to happen on the weekend and I cannot get ahold of my drs partner!!!!  Im praying none of that happens though.

Last month I went in on CD 13 and had a great follie.  There is no reason for me to think that cant happen again.  But this time I also need the lining to be thicker!

Ok there are so many ifs ands and buts that I have to stop now.  All I can do for the next 8 days is take my meds religiously!  I know we all talk about the 2ww when it comes to waiting to take a preg test but I consider this 2ww harder! lol

was it AF?

Well I had what I thought was AF starting the 1st.  I thought even though it was brown that it was AF since I had to wear a pad.  They say CD1 is the first real day you have to wear a pad.  But I do believe they also say its the first day you have red blood.  So on Thurs and Fri I had enough where I needed  a pad but it was brown.  Sat morn I work up and had read.  It was medium flo that morning and then since then been very light. If I change CD1 to saturday I will only have had a one day period!  is that normal?  Gonna call dr this morning to see if today should be CD 3 or 5!  if its 5 i need to start meds!  uggg.  I hate this uncertainness.  When I call my nurses she never calls me back!  so annoying!  I am hoping that making sat day 1 is the right thing to do because if i dont hear from the dr that is what im going to do.  Also if i do that it will make my iui date a weekend.  which will be better for me but i fear not so great for the dr.

AF

Well AF has arrived!  I am happy.  She arrived naturally.  I had a 13 day LP which is pretty good for me I usually have 11-12 days.  My total cycle was 28 days.  March 1 is Day 1!  I will call the DR today to let him know when CD 14 is.  This is when we will do US and if we see what we need (which I KNOW we will) I will get trigger shot and then IUI 36 hours later.

For now though I will start 100 MG of Clomid on CD5-9 and on CD7-12 I will take the estrogen which will hopefully keep my lining nice and thick for implantation!

I have already used a due date calculator to find out a due date when I conceive this month! lol  it will be Dec7th!

Prayers please!!!!!!!!!

Dreams

Does anyone know if dreams play any role or have any significance to a womans cycle? Like timing wise?  I have heard that dreams are a symptom of pregnancy.  Of course that is not a possibility right now.  But I am expecting AF any day.  At least I pray she is here soon!  I am really looking forward to starting the next cycle!  I never imagined myself praying to get my period! lol.  and next month I will be praying that I dont! lol.

Anyway the last 2 nights in a row I have had dreams alllllll night long.  The same story went on alllll night long.  Both nights were 2 different stories but on each night i dreamed the same thing alllll night. I feel like I woke up everytime I rolled over and I went right back into the dream.  The first night I dreamed that I drove my van out onto the iced lake and it cracked and my van sunk.  I got out and there was a little girl on the ice at the time that fell in when it cracked.  The 2 of us worked our way back to shore.  Every time we tried to crawl up on a large piece of ice it cracked and we fell back in.  We did make it to shore.  I was so upset and felt soooo stupid.  I hate being on the ice so I had nooooooo clue what i was doing out there.  I knew better.  I had commented about the people being out on the ice not being smart.  And to top it all off in the dream I had done the same thing with my old van.  Drove it our on the ice and sunk it.  I was so scared of what people were gonna say about my stupidity.

then in last nights dream I dreamed I was in college. (I have had the im back in school dreams before I hate them!)  this time I had 2 roomates and we were setting up our dorm room.  It was the biggest dorm room I ever saw.  We were so excited.  Till we saw that we didnt have a dorm and that people walked through our room to get to other places!  such a dumb dream but i dreamt it all night long! lol

Forgot to mention that in the dream I was having some sort of financial trouble while in college and my dad out of the blue wrote me a $4000.00 check!  wouldnt that be sweet!? lol

2WW

Well Im in the 2WW.  Not exactly the 2WW that I would want to be in!  Nope Im trying to patiently wait for AF to get here....again.  I WILL TTC next month!!!  I just have to.  Next month is my month I can feel it.  I finally saw the egg size that I needed to.  It was great to see something go right.  I did end up going in on CD13 instead of 14 for my U/S.  We found 1 good follie on the left side and it measured 2.18!  My biggest up till that point was 1.82.  Not big enough Dr wants at least 2.  The bad news is that because of the Clomid my lining was not thick enough.  I was very disapointed in my Dr for not giving me the estrogen fro this cycle.  With the last cycle on only 50mg Clomid we dont even think I O'ed at all and I def had a thinner lining.  So why didnt he just put me on the estrogen right then for the next cycle along with the 100mg of Clomid?  Anyway he didnt so after my US he said that he would I went and picked up my clomid for CD5-9 and the estrogen for CD7-12.  I am supposed to go in again on CD14.  I am on CD20 right now and trying to stay sane!  The waiting just to keep waiting is crazy!  I sooo thought I would be waiting for a BFP at this point.

So I had gone in on CD13 for the US which was early but i felt it was time. the egg was bigger than any of my other tries but think i was too early.  on CD14 I got the biggest, fastest most obvious LH surge I have ever seen.  I couldnt believe it.  it was a dark line and it came up fast.  Maybe thats what its supposed to be every time!  So I called the dr and asked if i shoudl come in to get checked again. Perhaps i did jump the gun and it was too late?  they never called back which annoyed me.  Then on CD15 I got a "peak" result on my clearblue easy monitor.  I am just so happy to see that I O'ed even if i didnt get to try this time.  Maybe it was Gods way of telling me this isnt it dont waste it, next month is your month.  I so pray I am right.

Thermal Dip

So about the last week I have has pretty consistent temps in the 97.2's-97.3's range.  This morning I had a 96.71!  I think this is a sign.  I believe the Dr said to not worry about testing since with the meds the tests might not be accurate.  But this temp dip means something right?

I called the Dr last week and talked to the nurse.  I had asked her to ask him if I could perhaps come in earlier so that we could track the growth.  She never called back and I'm annoyed.  I have no idea if she even gave him the message and this is not the first time that I have not had a concern addressed!

I will call the Dr at 8 even though Im pretty sure my Dr and my nurse wont even be there yet.  They weird hours.  I pray they will let me come in.  At this point it would be so stupid to let this opportunity slip by.  Honestly do they realize that this is a time sensitive situation?  I mean really this is what you do for a living!

Gonna try again this week

I am on CD9.  Last day of Clomid.  Next Wednesday I will be going in for an U/S and I am praying that we see good follies.  I would do the trigger shot and then 36 hours later I will have IUI.

Oh please Lord be with me and my eggs!

What if I was pregnant the whole time?!

So here I am on CD 37 with a LP of 21 according to my chart anyway.  I dont even know if I O'ed this month at all.  I didnt see any signs of it.  Anyway I was on progesterone this month for 14 days.  My normal cycle is about 28-30 day with only 11 day LP.  So I have been expecting my period for about a week now.  I have been patient though since I figured with the progesterone things would be different.  I called my Dr to let him know my concerns and frustration and am just waiting to hear back.  If I could find my pregnancy test that I know I have somewhere I would have taken it by now.  My breasts hurt not quite as bad as when I was preg with my son but since I dont normally get that with my period its kinda wierd for me.  I assume again its from the progesterone.  If I had conceived on nov 9th when I did my first IUI I'd be 12 weeks along and I have a hard time believing that is possible without me or my dr knowing it.  I had U/S's at 4 weeks and 9 weeks looking for good follies with no luck.  But as far as I know we never saw a baby either! Im SURE he woulda told me if he had! lol.  I looked online today and heard that at that early time its possible not to see it yet.  And I do have a little tilt to my uterus, so I have been told.  So here I am with 3 cycles since the IUI that are all not normal.  Before the IUI they were normal.  Why would the IUI have changed that if im not preg?  FRUSTRATED!!!!!  So now here I am with brown spotting again for the last 2 days expecting to start bleeding any minute.  I am supposed to start Clomid on CD5 but I have no clue how Im going to tell what cycle day it is if it doesnt turn red.  Im so scared about wasting this cycle all together cuz Im gonna miss it.  They say the first day of your cycle is the first day of red blood.  what if i dont get red blood.  The brown blood is old blood right so I dont actually have a period yet then right?  On the first even of spotting there was a couple pink spots in it but thats it no sight of that since.  I gotta quit talking Im asking all these questions no one is answering so I should just quit for now before I upset myself.

Progesterone

So I finished the progesterone on Tuesday.  It is now Thursday.  My breasts hurt a little bit and AF is late.  I assume its from the progesterone.  I know he wanted to make my LP longer and I really hope it helps with the next cycle as well since there really was no point in making this cycles LP longer.  Even if I had wanted to try with this cycle the stupid cycle was a flop.  I had an U/S on CD14 and it was too early.  I went back 2 days later and my eggs had actually shrunk!  WTF?  Very disapointing.  So he put me on 2 weeks of progesterone and then once my cycle starts over I will be on Clomid on CD5-9 again only this time it will be 100mg.  I am praying to God regularly.  I really just want him to make my cycle regular so that I can try.  My cycle was regular until I tried the first time and nothing has been normal since then.  Im frustrated.  I am not dwelling on it all the time though.  I am frustrated when I think about it but its not an all day every day thing I am hoping that will help.

Cranky

Hello
Sorry its been a few days.  I have been having some attitude issues with my 7 year old.  He sure does act like a 2 year old sometimes and that really surprises me.  He goes to bed crying every night like a 2 year old cuz I wont let him sleep in my bed.  I think he should be so past that by now.  And he hates school like a 13 year old would.  Why cant my kid just be 7?

Anyway Im on my 7th day of taking progesterone.  I really really hope its doing what its supposed to do.  Im not sure if Im supposed to get a period on time or not.  I kinda feel alone.  Which I do know that was kind of the purpose of becoming a single mom but still.  According to my chart I am 7 DPO.  Thats hard to know if its true since im not sure I even ovulated this month.  I quit testing for it as I knew I was wasting the test strips.  Speaking of test strips...I better get off here and order some since with prayers every day I hope to be trying for real with the next cycle and I dont have enough to get me through the next cycle.

Well I will keep you posted.  I hope that people are seeing this and that they will join me in conversation as I'd really like to have someone to compare notes with.

Donor inactive

Well I finally just did it.  They offered me 6 vials and I took 1.  My donor is no longer with the program either so what they had is what they had and they had to take me off the waiting list and give the 5 I didnt take to someone else.  someone is going to be real excited when they get that call today!  I continue to pray daily for help and guidance through this process.  My friends and family tell me to pray pray pray and then listen for answers from God.  I worry that Im not doing something right since I dont really hear any answers from him.  Do I make the decision that I do because subconsiously God told me to?  Does it work that way?  I dont really know.  I do hope he is with me maybe even carrying me for all I know.  I hope the reason that I bought one vial rather than 2, other than for financial reasons, is because I will only need one vial.  I am actually hoping that I dont even need that vial.  I have a vial at the Dr's office and I am praying that that one works in February when I try.  I am praying that I GET to try in February.

Procrastinating

Well here I am procrastinating!  I got that call from the sperm bank on Tuesday because I was on a waiting list for my donor.  He is now inactive.  But they offered me 6 vials.  I really want to buy 2 vials.  But I just cannot afford to take that much money out of my savings account.  I do have a 7 year old son to keep in mind.  We are doing just fine with our expenses now.  But I like to have that cusion in the bank for emergencies.  I have been using my savings for this process and 2 more vials will cost more than my comfort level can take.  I have been racking my brain with ways I could possibly earn more money.  I have a licensed day care in my family and I have looked into adding second shift but I cannot do that because I already work 11 hours and im only allowed to work 12 hours in a 24 hours period.  So that is out of the question.  Then I thought of blogging.  Some people get an income off of that.  But how?!  I looked it up online since I have never blogged before and I still dont quit understand how they make money at it.  I know it has something to do with the advertising but how do they get advertisers?  Anyway I decided while looking to go ahead and start this free one.  Mostly in hopes that I could get some followers and get some conversation going.
Anyway back to the donor thing.  I have my credit card out and I need to call by 5 tonight and give them an answer.  I know what I have to do and just buy the 1 vial but it makes me sick to let the rest go.  I really really want 2 it would just make me feel better.

Introduction

I am a single mom.  My son is 7.  His father was someone I was dating.  When I got pregnant is when I really learned who he was.  It was a little too late by that time.  He is now uninvolved and I prefer it that way.  I am 34 and now realize that I like being a single mom and that the dating and marriage thing isn't something I want to go through again.  I made the choice almost a year ago to start working on what I needed to do to get pregnant.  I started by going off the pill.  I had been on it several years for the sole purpose of keeping my acne under control.  I got a period right after going off the pill.  But then after that it took more than 90 days to get another.  I have been charting ever since.  My charts looks really good, normal and regular until the first time I did TTC.  I tried in November 2011.  near the end of the 2WW I started to spot here and there.  By the time I hit the test date I had more brown spotting.  I decided not to test since it was probably AF that was coming.  All I ended up with was light brown period to start my next cycle and ever since then I have had irregular periods.  Two days about with very light or just brown blood.  TMI sorry!  My last AF I had 1 normal day and thats it.  I tried clomid on CD5-9 this month and on CD14 I had an U/S.  The eggs wernt big enough so I went back 2 days later only to find they shrunk!  Ug!  So now today I will be starting 14 days of progesterone and then 100mg of Clomid on CD5-9 again.  I pray this works as I would love to TTC in February.  Thats the jist of my story.  Of course there are many more trials and tribulations in between.  I would love to chat with anyone going through the same things.  I would also love to hear from anyone who has been successful and what it took to have that success!

New Blogger!

I am hoping to start a blog to meet other women that are single mothers by choice.  I am currently in the TTC mode.  I am going through a lot and it would be great to have someone to go through this with.  Someone who understands.