game over

Well its official.  I am out of the game for this month.  Im devistated and truely surprised!  I really felt like this was it.  The timing was perfect.  I cant help but worry about the things that I cannot control!  Like are the sperm mobile?  My doctor does not check this.  But the donor has pregnancies so I am trying to just trust it.  Also am I too late  when I am doing the IUI?  Did the trigger make O the next day and I waited the full 36 hours?  Yesterday I had heavy cramping and I started with some brown cm and then some pink/red and then brown again.  Today so far all Im getting is some yucky brown.  The pink in the middle yesterday was weird for my cycle. I usually have brown for a couple days and red for one day.  I continued to try to hold out hope yesterday.  Only to be dissapointed yet again today.  My temps have been way down 2 days in a row now.  Now my next concern is do I count this crap in my cycle?  or do I wait for it to turn red?  That is the same concern every month.  I hate my period and If I have to have it I just wish it was normal again.  I am at my 1 year anniversary of when I started all this and im just in a funk right now.  I talked to god out loud last night.  I have been going to a ladies church meeting where we just recently talked about how God is with us in the good and bad time and the times when we are struggling.  The times when we wonder where he is he is actually there.  And that we should ask him once in awhile to show himself.  I asked him that yesterday and he did not show this morning.  When I woke up and got another low temp I was angry and I told him that he was not there.  Friends keep telling me that this might not be in Gods plan.  Do they think that helps the way I feel at all?  that is an awful thought that God would not want me to have something that would so dearly make me happy!  I am so used to working hard for the things I want.  Setting a goal and doing all I can to obtain it.  I dont blame God when I dont have the money to buy something I want.  Its my own fault I didnt save it.  So when it comes to this, something that I cannot control just by having money or earning it or working hard for it I just dont know  how to deal.  I feel very sad because I can only afford to try one more time.  What if thats not it?  Last month I just knew it would work but if it didnt I knew I had one more try.  This month I dont have that reassurance.  Maybe I dont need it.  That would be great.  I feel like if I had more money I could keep trying but even with money I do not have control of weather it works or not.  So I cannot justify spending more money.  If it is Gods will for me to have another child it will happen this time.  Because this is all I have.  I do hope that God knows that.  A friend also told me that its in time like this when we are sad or weak that the devil tries to sneak in.  She said that God is watching for our reactions to situations.  I hope that God understands my disspointment this morning and knows that I still believe in him, that I still need him.  And that even though hard I do understand that my plan may not be the same as his plan.  Again hard for me to believe that he wouldnt want something for me that would make me and Brady and the rest of my family unbelieveably happy.  I hope that God doesnt give up on me because I might thought for a few moments that he abandoned me.  I did not curse him or say anything that I regret so I am happy that I didnt do that.   But I still worry if he might feel I abandoned him by accusing him of abandoning me.

waiting

ok so I have been going back and forth over the last week and a half between constipation and diarrhea.  mostly constipated but 2 times had diarrhea.  I am normally very regular.  Up until last night I have not been getting to go.  Then last night I got a pretty twisted up feeling tummy and then really really went.  I felt fine after that.  This morning im still feeling fine but my stomach was making lots of gurgling noises!   Nothing ever came of it.  Later on now this morning I started to feel that heavy crampy feeling in my lower ab.  more the the left side though I was feeling some twinges and dull aches.  now i just for the most part feel the crampy feeling all the way across my lower ab.  I keep thinking this shouldnt be so hard.  I either am pregnant or im not i hate analyzing all this. i feel like my brain has convinced me that im pregnant!  and that im slightly insane.

I had the most wonderful dream last night that I had a beautiful baby girl.  I even dreamed I had to deliver her on my own and she was perfect.  I woke up missing her and sad because she wasnt here with me.

Anyway AF is due approx Thurs.  Im supposed to be able to test on thurs.  I did test yesterday and got a negative.  I was even more surprised since the trigger shot is known to give false positives that being the reason for waiting the full 2 weeks.  i guess it was no longer in my system.  I have the heavy somewhat crampy feeling in lower ab and lower back.  totally could be AF but also same symptoms as pregnancy.  Im totally still praying for the later!

This being my first true good efforted try I feel the disapointment will be huge for me if I see AF.  Im so scared of that.  I am hoping that tomorrow being I am getting done with work early to go see my sons choir concert that that might be a good distraction from thinking about it.

sad

I am feeling sad and discouraged today.  I have no symptoms to speak of other than the fact that i am emotional.  But thats probably just me being anxious.

I broke down and tested.  It says negative.  I am still praying that Im too early.  So much for the trigger shot giving a false positive!  I woulda done anything to have seen a positive just now.

I feel like this just cannot be happening.  I believe that I am pregnant.  I have heard women who have been trying for a long time say the same things though.  I dont want to sound stupid or naive by saying that.  I did not take the test with my first morning urine.  So every day I can believe that I am pregnant.  And then the day I crack and take the test knowing its too early I can find every reason in the book not to believe it.  Its too early, it wasnt first morning urine.  I knew this test would not help my dilemma so I have no idea why i couldnt stay strong and wait.  I waited last time.  But I was so disapointed when I started spotting!  Its almost like I want to know before the spotting starts so that Im not as disapointed.  However I am still praying that I tested to early making for a really happy exciting moment when I test again and it says positive this time!

Oh I am so psycho at this point.  I just cannot imagine going through all this again.  Im so scared that if it doesnt happen this month that it might not at all! I as a naturally pecimistic person have been so optimistic through this whole thing.  I have been taken down a peg every month for the last year.  I am not sure how much longer I can hold the optimism!  Please lord change that test for me on friday!

what a roller coaster ride.

Well I'm back to being disapointed again this morning.  Yesterday that breast tenderness I was feeling pretty much disappeared.  And nothing this morning.  I wondered if it was just the bra I was wearing that day.

I keep thinking about testing early but I just fear that false positive.  and even more I fear a negative!

Excited about possible new symptom

So every day I hope to wake up with some sort of symptom that will encourage me.  I have for the most part not been waking up with anything new and then I end up dissapointed.  Later in the afternoon something new usually pops up and then I am excited again.  Here are a couple new things

Yesterday I woke up and was very dizzy.
I had a slight temp dip yesterday morning (does not nec mean implantation dip)
lower ab felt heavy
had to get up the last couple nights to use the bathroom once
still gassy
I was disapointed again this morning when nothing new happened.  Although my temp did go back up.  Then late this afternoon my underarms and sides of my breasts started to hurt.  I know totally weird but I am excited about it! lol

I am 8 days in to the 2WW.  Bring on more symptoms!

Symptoms?

Well I am not having a lot of symptoms currently.  But the first couple days I was analyzing everything!  And last time I TTC everything was a symptom.  Im a little worried since I dont have a lot going on that can really be interpreted as a symptom!  Here are a few things I have noticed though

My temps are staying pretty close together.  Im usually up and down every day.
my fingernails are white and strong right now.
I had a bit of constipation and the couple times i did go it was not much and soft
then yesterday i ended up with a stomach ache and finally got to go.
i was pretty tired yesterday
gassy!

yeah doesnt look like much so I guess the wait is still on! on 6DPiui so I have another week wait.  I am praying so hard that I start seeing and or feeling something!  I want this so bad!

Finally had IUI

So I cant believe it but I think my timing and everything was finally in line!  On CD14 I went in for my U/S.  I had one good follie on the left side again a little bigger than last month.  2.19 by something.  Then when he looked at the lining he seemed happy until he measured it.  He was surprised that it only measured at .75.  he hope it was 1 at least.  But he said it was trilaminar so that is good.  He said it was a mature lining.  He said that if I wanted to give it a try he was behind me on it.  So he gave me the trigger shot and showed me how to mix it and give it to myself.  I was to give it to myself 7pm that night and come back on Friday the 16th  at 7am.  That night my mom gave me the shot.  Didnt hurt at all to get the shot.  They told me to rub the area.  Since then the area has not bothered me at all.  Only noticed it was sore a little when I layed on that side.  So I went back at 7am Friday March 16th.  I was and am still sooooo excited.  The doctor was happy with the procedure and said it was a good one.

The reason I have not posted till now about it is cuz I was really sick afterwards.  I had a day care kid vomit on Thursday at lunch.  Then that night my son threw up as well.  Then after the IUI I came home only had the one sick kid and I was gonna try to relax.  I started not to feel well.  By 130 I threw up and called the kids mom and asked her to come get him.  She did and then I was sick again at 430 and 1130pm that night.  Saturday morning I was supposed to go to the cities shopping with my son and mom.  I did sleep through the night but was worried that once I got moving again that things would start happening again.  I felt pretty bad and nervous about being sick all day till 5pm when I finally ate and felt way better.  Been fine since.

I really wish I could say I was feeling some symptoms even though I know its too early.  But I like the website twoweekwait.com.  I have been reading lots of stories about women and their first symptoms.  I dont know how you can have symptoms so early.  Things that seem minimal but might be symptoms are that my nails and nice and white and strong, I have been dreaming at night, I was thirsty and drank a lot of water today and am kinda constipated.

Anyway I'm on CD19 which is according to my chart 3dpiui.  yesterday my chart said that O was CD15 which was the day before IUI.  But today when I posted my temp it changed and now it says I O'ed on CD16 which was the day of O.  So that should all be good I think.

I will continue to post hopefully with lots of symptoms!

U/S scheduled

Well the nurse finally called back last night.  I didnt get the message till after 7 though.  The question was was the 1st day one or was the 3rd day one?  They said to go ahead and make the 1st day one.  So last night at 730 pm I went ahead and took the first day of Clomid.  I set the alarm on my phone to go off every night at 730 now! lol.  As I type this I am remembering that I will be in a meeting at 730 tonight so I guess I will have to remember to take it a little early!
Anyway so I had to call the nurse back this morning to set up a time for the U/S.  The 14th is CD14 so we made the appt at 430 that afternoon.  I am hoping that wont be a big deal for my dad to come watch the kids for about an hour so I can go to the appt.  I then asked the nurse about if the follie and lining are all good we will be doing the HCG shot and then 36 hours later the IUI.  I found out that my dr is leaving at noon for vacation on that friday I will need the IUI!  I sure hope that he didnt make his decision about day one based on the fact that he was going to be out of town.

Well what I am thinking is that if all is good at US I will have to give myself the shot at about 7pm that night.  Then I would need the IUI at 7am on friday.  The nurse said that he doesnt come in till 8 on fridays and that that friday he is done at noon! lol.  I said well he gave me his cell number from the start of all this and he said that he would be there and if he could not that his partners would be.  So I'm really hoping that 7am will work for him.  Its only an hour!!!  I only have one kid that day but I would need to get my dad to come that morning for that kids arrival since I will probably not be back by the time he gets here at 8.  And I would really like some time before running bending and picking up a kid.  Unfortunately he is somewhat of a cranky kid but he is about 10 months old and when I do get back he should be ready for a bottle and a nap!  I would really like to just relax for a bit.  Thennnnn...Hopefully my dad will take Brady to school and all should be quiet around here for about an hour.  Whew.  it just seems like so much is riding on timing.  I pray it all goes the way I just wrote it! lol.  The other way is that US says im too early and I have to go in the next day or even the next 2 days to watch the follie.  And then the IUI has to happen on the weekend and I cannot get ahold of my drs partner!!!!  Im praying none of that happens though.

Last month I went in on CD 13 and had a great follie.  There is no reason for me to think that cant happen again.  But this time I also need the lining to be thicker!

Ok there are so many ifs ands and buts that I have to stop now.  All I can do for the next 8 days is take my meds religiously!  I know we all talk about the 2ww when it comes to waiting to take a preg test but I consider this 2ww harder! lol

was it AF?

Well I had what I thought was AF starting the 1st.  I thought even though it was brown that it was AF since I had to wear a pad.  They say CD1 is the first real day you have to wear a pad.  But I do believe they also say its the first day you have red blood.  So on Thurs and Fri I had enough where I needed  a pad but it was brown.  Sat morn I work up and had read.  It was medium flo that morning and then since then been very light. If I change CD1 to saturday I will only have had a one day period!  is that normal?  Gonna call dr this morning to see if today should be CD 3 or 5!  if its 5 i need to start meds!  uggg.  I hate this uncertainness.  When I call my nurses she never calls me back!  so annoying!  I am hoping that making sat day 1 is the right thing to do because if i dont hear from the dr that is what im going to do.  Also if i do that it will make my iui date a weekend.  which will be better for me but i fear not so great for the dr.

AF

Well AF has arrived!  I am happy.  She arrived naturally.  I had a 13 day LP which is pretty good for me I usually have 11-12 days.  My total cycle was 28 days.  March 1 is Day 1!  I will call the DR today to let him know when CD 14 is.  This is when we will do US and if we see what we need (which I KNOW we will) I will get trigger shot and then IUI 36 hours later.

For now though I will start 100 MG of Clomid on CD5-9 and on CD7-12 I will take the estrogen which will hopefully keep my lining nice and thick for implantation!

I have already used a due date calculator to find out a due date when I conceive this month! lol  it will be Dec7th!

Prayers please!!!!!!!!!