sad

I am feeling sad and discouraged today.  I have no symptoms to speak of other than the fact that i am emotional.  But thats probably just me being anxious.

I broke down and tested.  It says negative.  I am still praying that Im too early.  So much for the trigger shot giving a false positive!  I woulda done anything to have seen a positive just now.

I feel like this just cannot be happening.  I believe that I am pregnant.  I have heard women who have been trying for a long time say the same things though.  I dont want to sound stupid or naive by saying that.  I did not take the test with my first morning urine.  So every day I can believe that I am pregnant.  And then the day I crack and take the test knowing its too early I can find every reason in the book not to believe it.  Its too early, it wasnt first morning urine.  I knew this test would not help my dilemma so I have no idea why i couldnt stay strong and wait.  I waited last time.  But I was so disapointed when I started spotting!  Its almost like I want to know before the spotting starts so that Im not as disapointed.  However I am still praying that I tested to early making for a really happy exciting moment when I test again and it says positive this time!

Oh I am so psycho at this point.  I just cannot imagine going through all this again.  Im so scared that if it doesnt happen this month that it might not at all! I as a naturally pecimistic person have been so optimistic through this whole thing.  I have been taken down a peg every month for the last year.  I am not sure how much longer I can hold the optimism!  Please lord change that test for me on friday!