game over

Well its official.  I am out of the game for this month.  Im devistated and truely surprised!  I really felt like this was it.  The timing was perfect.  I cant help but worry about the things that I cannot control!  Like are the sperm mobile?  My doctor does not check this.  But the donor has pregnancies so I am trying to just trust it.  Also am I too late  when I am doing the IUI?  Did the trigger make O the next day and I waited the full 36 hours?  Yesterday I had heavy cramping and I started with some brown cm and then some pink/red and then brown again.  Today so far all Im getting is some yucky brown.  The pink in the middle yesterday was weird for my cycle. I usually have brown for a couple days and red for one day.  I continued to try to hold out hope yesterday.  Only to be dissapointed yet again today.  My temps have been way down 2 days in a row now.  Now my next concern is do I count this crap in my cycle?  or do I wait for it to turn red?  That is the same concern every month.  I hate my period and If I have to have it I just wish it was normal again.  I am at my 1 year anniversary of when I started all this and im just in a funk right now.  I talked to god out loud last night.  I have been going to a ladies church meeting where we just recently talked about how God is with us in the good and bad time and the times when we are struggling.  The times when we wonder where he is he is actually there.  And that we should ask him once in awhile to show himself.  I asked him that yesterday and he did not show this morning.  When I woke up and got another low temp I was angry and I told him that he was not there.  Friends keep telling me that this might not be in Gods plan.  Do they think that helps the way I feel at all?  that is an awful thought that God would not want me to have something that would so dearly make me happy!  I am so used to working hard for the things I want.  Setting a goal and doing all I can to obtain it.  I dont blame God when I dont have the money to buy something I want.  Its my own fault I didnt save it.  So when it comes to this, something that I cannot control just by having money or earning it or working hard for it I just dont know  how to deal.  I feel very sad because I can only afford to try one more time.  What if thats not it?  Last month I just knew it would work but if it didnt I knew I had one more try.  This month I dont have that reassurance.  Maybe I dont need it.  That would be great.  I feel like if I had more money I could keep trying but even with money I do not have control of weather it works or not.  So I cannot justify spending more money.  If it is Gods will for me to have another child it will happen this time.  Because this is all I have.  I do hope that God knows that.  A friend also told me that its in time like this when we are sad or weak that the devil tries to sneak in.  She said that God is watching for our reactions to situations.  I hope that God understands my disspointment this morning and knows that I still believe in him, that I still need him.  And that even though hard I do understand that my plan may not be the same as his plan.  Again hard for me to believe that he wouldnt want something for me that would make me and Brady and the rest of my family unbelieveably happy.  I hope that God doesnt give up on me because I might thought for a few moments that he abandoned me.  I did not curse him or say anything that I regret so I am happy that I didnt do that.   But I still worry if he might feel I abandoned him by accusing him of abandoning me.