starting over

Ok so here we are again in a wait mode.  I had my U/S this morning at 845. (no day care kids till 1:30 today)  I was confident and eerily calm!  That devotion that I read earlier in the week has done wonders for me.  "You will not find my peace by engaging in excessive planning".  I am a planner and normally I'd be thinking, if we see this on Thursday we can do this Friday and if we dont see this maybe I can get an other US on Friday after work....etc.  Anyway Im not doing that this time.  I have said my prayers, I have asked God to give my Dr the guidance he needs to help me succeed, and I have asked God to provide me with another healthy little baby to add to my little family.  Its in his hands and I trust in that and I am comfortable with that.  Do I still hope it goes the way I want?  Yep that wont ever go away.  But am I worried about it?  nope not in this moment, and thats whats most important.  Will I be sad if it doesnt work? Probably but as we saw during my first go around with this I was able to get back on my feet.  And now I am at a point where I truely believe I will be ok in the end no matter what happens.  I love my son dearly and with all my heart want a sibling for him.  He wants one as well.  I think that if things don't work out as I hope that he will be very dissapointed and this will be my sore spot.  Knowing that he will not have siblings.  But we will survive and as long as we have each other I will be happy.  My child/children will always be my first priority.

Now on to what the actual appointment showed up.  I had the US.  We saw that there was one main follicle that was of an accurate size for the timing. (there were 2 other small ones as well that he did not measure).  It measured between 1.8 and 1.9.  My lining was .9.  both of these numbers as far as I can remember are the best numbers I have had yet!  I am excited about them.  Also the fact that there were actually 3 follicles there I believe is good.  Dont think I have ever had 3.  They were on my right side too.  This is only the second time that I will try an IUI from follicles on the right side.  This side is good and clear we know this because when I had the HSG 2 weeks ago the dye spilled out on that side easily. He did look at the left side and as usual had a difficult time even finding the ovary.  I am not sure if he ever even got a clear look at it today.  I dont think there were any follicles.  Not sure why he has such a hard time over there!  But the fact that the good ones were on the right side is encouraging.  After the US the dr came back in to talk to me about our options.  He said that If I have my LH surge before saturday that he would like to scarp this cycle and call them not mature.  He said that if that is the case that next month at about this same time he would like to give me one tablet of Lupron?? ( think that is what it was)  this should stall the ovulation and give me about another 24 hours for follicles to continue to grow.  I totally understand what he is saying but also feel like this is a good cycle and if I were to get an LH surge tomorrow I feel like the numbers were all pretty great.  Better than all the other times I tried.  But I am going to go with his opinion since I have prayed for God to give him the guidance he needs.  I am trusting in God and my Dr.  Anyway If I safely make it through tomorrow without the LH surge and I peak on Saturday I will more than likely be having an IUI Saturday afternoon.  The idea of this excites me.  I like this cycle for many reasons.  It has been a little bit of a whirlwind.  I never expected to be trying this month to begin with.  But after having the HSG test and it going so well and then after going off the pill and getting my first normal AF that I have had in a long time.  Then scheduling an US and being able to do that on a day where I actually have the morning off, and then if all continues to go well  the IUI will be on Saturday which is also a very convenient day where I dont have to ask anyone for help.  I just feel like this has been the easiest cycle, with a good AF and good numbers.  I want squishy to meet this egg! lol.  Also trying to be cool and not get too excited.  my back has been achy the last couple days esp today.  and the last 3 days I have seen "high" on the monitor.  I am hoping for one more day of "high" and then Saturday it can say "peak"  Of course this is the waiting part and the part I have no control over.  And right here and right now is where I need to relax and not get anxious.  I will test for the LH again this afternoon.  I will do my normal morning monitor tomorrow.  If it doesnt say peak in the morning I am confident we will have made it to saturday!!!  Waiting, Praying, and believing!

good results

I could not be more happy with the results of the HSG today.  I was nervous but nowhere near the nervous I usually get.  When nervous I usually get and upset stomach.  Not one twinge.  I think the whole time I really just believed that I could handle it.  Anyway so this is what happened.  I get there and get told what happens and find out that my Dr. is there even though I was told that the hospital staff was going to have to do the procedure because of my insurance.  I was glad to see him he is a comfort to me.  Treats me like Im his buddy with high 5's and stuff.  Almost a little weird!!! lol.  Im up on the table he inserts the catheter.  It wasnt awful but there was some cramping.  Its not just a slight coming cramp either.  Its the makes you jump off the table kind hits you hard! lol.  I did not jump off the table though and was thankful it was tolerable and was hopeful that was as bad as it would get.  I heard the dye was the painful part though.  So he pushes the dye through.  It was a spreading burning/cramping feeling.  Uncomfortable but not scary.  At the end the Dr showed me the screen so i could see what the dye did.  The right side the dye went through easily and spilled out the end.  The left side he had to give it an extra little push.  the dye went through though!  But cuz of that extra little nudge it is possible that it wasnt all the way open.  All of my US's showed the eggs on the left side accept my last try.  Its very possible with them on the left side and that side being slightly blocked that I really wasnt getting a full good shot at things.  My third try was from the right side and we were happy about that cuz we thought it would be a new and different shot at it.  Anyway all went well.  A little cramping when getting off the table and then when I got home I stayed hunched over for a bit cuz it got worse.  I am feeling better now after a couple Tylonal and a hot bath.

After the test the Dr said that I should not take the pill tomorrow, making tomorrow CD 1.  then on 5-9 I will take Femera and on CD 14 I will go in for US.  I have an appt for Sept 20th at 4pm.  I will also start POAS next week to see if I see LH surge and will call him if I do before the 20th.

I cant believe this is happening this fast.  I thought it was going to be October!  I am not looking forward to all the POAS and timing things.  I just want to see a good US and go for it with confidence.  I feel this is gonna happen this time just wish we could jump to the BFP!!! lol

well im back and its been a whirlwind!

Sunday August 26th many quick decisions were made.  I finally had a talk with my mom that I had long wanted to have but couldnt work up the nerve.  I wanted to talk about the posibility of TTC again.  I had just found out there was a sale going on till the 31st of August.  Buy 2 vials get 20% off.  THEN I also found out that since I am a member of CLI thru September that I am also still eligible for a special they had.  Which was buy 5 vials within 12 months get the 6th free.  I had already tried 3 times and was wanting to purchase 2 more so I would actually be getting 3!  The problem???  Picking a new donor within the next 3 days!  Vials had to be shipped by wed 29th in order to arrive by friday before the long weekend.  I searched and searched.  I was NOT having any luck.  I still really wanted to choose a donor with options.  There was not much to choose from and I feared settling.  I went over the list that I had made a year ago.  A list that I had crossed many potential donors off of for one reason or another.  There was one donor that I had always liked he was a cute little boy.  His medical history was pretty good and all his family was Dr's!  But then I listened to his audio interview and was instantly turned off.  He had a really bad accent and I could hardly understand anything he said.  He sounded really dumb.  I tried to ignore the accent thinking he obviously is not dumb he is a dr.  and besides my kid wont have an accent.  So I let my mom and good friend listen to him.  The said NO immediately as well! lol.  I still was trying to stay optimistic as he was so cute and smart.  I found out from CLI that he only had 1-5 reported pregnancies. I didnt love those numbers and assumed it was probably for the same reasons I was apprehensive of him.  So I moved on trying to find someone else.  I came upon a picture of a sweet little boy that I had said no to in the past.  I thought he was funny looking.  his face was all squished up and he was drooling! lol.  I said no way.  But this time around I am looking with fresh eyes and I realize this boy is happy and smiling hugely hence the squished face and drool! lol.  So I dig deeper.  He seems to have a healthy history.  He is still young.  His career aspiration is Zoology!  As i listen to his audio I realize he is a normal down to earth guy!  he loves soccer!  I dont have sports in my genes and neither does Brady so that couldnt hurt! lol.  he also said people say he looks like Andy Samberg when he lets his hair grow.  I googled him and found him to be a somwhat attractive man with good strong facial features.  I think this could be it!  I show him to my mom and my friend.  They like him.  Then I find out that he too only has 1-5 reported pregnancies!  I am dissapointed and ready to start all over.  I dug a little deeper and find that he has only be in the program since April 2011.  Then I find out that the accent guy has been in the program since 2006!  wow squishy has the same amount of pregnancies in a year that this other guy has in 6 years!  I am happy with Squishy now.  I say, I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine!  I love that saying from nemo!  I immediately go on my FB and find the perfect picture for my cover photo.  It is a picture of Dory talking to a little jellyfish saying I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine.  funny thing.....the little jelly fish looks like a sperm! lol.  everything clicked for me and squishy it is!  I ordered the vials they showed up at my drs office the next day and I am excited but not as excited as last time.  I think im staying calm this time as i know what to expect and the TTC part is not the fun part.
I have and HSG test tonight at 4pm.  Im a little nervous about it as i have heard it hurts.  some people have had awful experiences.  There are many others though that tell me it just just like cramping.  I pray its mild and that I am able to sit still on the table for the test.  I also pray for wonderful results.  I prat that the dye is able to clean out my tubes and that next month I will conceive!  I would so love for it to work the firs time this time.  It would be fantastic!  I am guessing an about June 8 due date if this is the case.  I like the sounds of that date.  Brady should be done with school, so the baby wont be screwing up his sleep schedule.  the only thing i do fear in realizing this date is that other kids will be out of school as well and i worry the hardship will cause them to go elsewhere.  I really cannot afford to lose my job.  I dont plan on taking more than 2 weeks off and thats well within my vacation policy.  so I would hope people would stick with me.  with my main family 2 weeks is only actually 7 days for them. and the other family its only about 7-8 days.  anyway no point in worrying about that right now.

I just had to get this out there and start blogging again.  I will probably write again tomorrow about the results of the test!

lets do this again

well here I am the day before my next US.  Could very possibly be my last US. Im so scared of that.  I hope to have US's every 3 months for the next 9 months! lol.  I really need to see an egg larger than 2.0 and a lining of at least 1.0.  I have been praying hard for this.  I am soooo trying to stay positive and focused.  I keep getting these excited flutters in my heart.  My old doll house that my grandpa built my mom when she was a little girl keeps popping in my head.  I want to refinish it for my daughter.  I get that same flutter when I realize I might be pregnant next week!  When I think about telling all my friends and family the good news.  When I think about my wonderful pregnancy that I so desire to experience again.  When I think about giving birth again.  Bradys birth was the best day of my life and I remember everything.  But When he came out and surprised us by being a boy there was so much going on and I wanted to get out of the tub and I had to get cleaned up before I could truly sit and just hold him.  There was a lot going on and I feel like Its all just a blur and I just want to experience it all again.  I want Brady to experience it with me.  I cant wait till the baby comes out and I can call Brady to come in to see it.  I just know he will be crying.  He is such a special and sentimental boy.  He will want to hold him/her, feed him/her, get his/her clothes out.  Anything.  I am realistic as well though and I do know with the age difference there will be times  of trial.  Times when he needs or wants something from me and I have my hands full.  I have no intention of letting my interactions with him suffer.  I will be spread thin being a SM and all but its what I want and I know I can handle it.  We are living our lives and making new relationships.  I know I have many friends on my side.  And my parents the joy I just know they will feel knowing they will have another grandchild, that too excites me.  I always thought Id have more than one child.  Possibly 3.  I have promised myself a grieving period if this is not meant to be, but also to get back up on that horse and to live my life with the most important thing in my life and that is my son.  I still cannot at this point imagine that this is not going to work.  I just know this is meant to be.  Even though doubt tries to creep in.

If I see everything I need to see with my US tomorrow I imagine just like last month I will trigger that night and then IUI friday morning.  I have taken Friday off in the hopes of having a relaxing day for myself.  Last month I ended up sick and I dont know if that hurt my chances at all but having Friday off at least assures that I can relax when I get home.  It is hard for me to take time off so I am a little scared that having the day off already that what if the US doesnt look perfect and I dont inseminate this month?  then I would have wasted a day off.  Because I dont think I can get people to come on friday If i tell them tomorrow night that they can.  Im afraid they all probably have made other plans already.  If I dont IUI on Friday and I already have the day off that just means I will have to do it again next month!  This part is so stressful for me.  I just keep praying that maybe this month I will have 2 eggs over 2.0 and a wonderful lining!  My mom has even made it possible for her to take brady to school before work on friday so that i dont have to worry about that.

If by some awful chance I do not see what we need to see tomorrow I will not waste the last vial.  I am thinking it might be time to try other meds.  Ones that do not have the risk of cysts and that do not dry up my lining.  I really do not want to have to do this since Clomid has been giving me good eggs but I feel it might be necessary.

If you remember at the start of all this I wanted to have an end of 2012 baby.  If I conceive with this cycle my due date will be Jan 7 2013.  Brady was born a week early so 2012 is still possible!  But honestly I dont really care anymore if its 2013!

I am going to believe with all my heard and all my prayers that Friday the 13th, 2012 will be my lucky day!!!!

Dear God,

Dear God,

I ask that you show yourself this week.  I am in need of your presence and your guidance.  Please allow my body to be healthy and work properly in order to carry my healthy child that I know you are going to give me and my family.  Please bless my Dr and give him guidance with the procedures I will have done.  Thank you Lord for all that you have given me especially my precious son.  He would so love to be a big brother and I am proud of him and I know he would be a darn good one.  Lord I truly want to experience the miracle of life just this one last time.  Please bless me with a healthy boy or girl to raise.  I promise to take care of this child for all of his/her days along side Brady, and to be the best parent I can be and to teach him/her your way.  We are part of a wonderful church that I cannot wait to introduce him/her to.  Lord I just pray that you are with me in whatever you decide, no matter what happens I will indeed need you.

                                              Amen

game over

Well its official.  I am out of the game for this month.  Im devistated and truely surprised!  I really felt like this was it.  The timing was perfect.  I cant help but worry about the things that I cannot control!  Like are the sperm mobile?  My doctor does not check this.  But the donor has pregnancies so I am trying to just trust it.  Also am I too late  when I am doing the IUI?  Did the trigger make O the next day and I waited the full 36 hours?  Yesterday I had heavy cramping and I started with some brown cm and then some pink/red and then brown again.  Today so far all Im getting is some yucky brown.  The pink in the middle yesterday was weird for my cycle. I usually have brown for a couple days and red for one day.  I continued to try to hold out hope yesterday.  Only to be dissapointed yet again today.  My temps have been way down 2 days in a row now.  Now my next concern is do I count this crap in my cycle?  or do I wait for it to turn red?  That is the same concern every month.  I hate my period and If I have to have it I just wish it was normal again.  I am at my 1 year anniversary of when I started all this and im just in a funk right now.  I talked to god out loud last night.  I have been going to a ladies church meeting where we just recently talked about how God is with us in the good and bad time and the times when we are struggling.  The times when we wonder where he is he is actually there.  And that we should ask him once in awhile to show himself.  I asked him that yesterday and he did not show this morning.  When I woke up and got another low temp I was angry and I told him that he was not there.  Friends keep telling me that this might not be in Gods plan.  Do they think that helps the way I feel at all?  that is an awful thought that God would not want me to have something that would so dearly make me happy!  I am so used to working hard for the things I want.  Setting a goal and doing all I can to obtain it.  I dont blame God when I dont have the money to buy something I want.  Its my own fault I didnt save it.  So when it comes to this, something that I cannot control just by having money or earning it or working hard for it I just dont know  how to deal.  I feel very sad because I can only afford to try one more time.  What if thats not it?  Last month I just knew it would work but if it didnt I knew I had one more try.  This month I dont have that reassurance.  Maybe I dont need it.  That would be great.  I feel like if I had more money I could keep trying but even with money I do not have control of weather it works or not.  So I cannot justify spending more money.  If it is Gods will for me to have another child it will happen this time.  Because this is all I have.  I do hope that God knows that.  A friend also told me that its in time like this when we are sad or weak that the devil tries to sneak in.  She said that God is watching for our reactions to situations.  I hope that God understands my disspointment this morning and knows that I still believe in him, that I still need him.  And that even though hard I do understand that my plan may not be the same as his plan.  Again hard for me to believe that he wouldnt want something for me that would make me and Brady and the rest of my family unbelieveably happy.  I hope that God doesnt give up on me because I might thought for a few moments that he abandoned me.  I did not curse him or say anything that I regret so I am happy that I didnt do that.   But I still worry if he might feel I abandoned him by accusing him of abandoning me.

waiting

ok so I have been going back and forth over the last week and a half between constipation and diarrhea.  mostly constipated but 2 times had diarrhea.  I am normally very regular.  Up until last night I have not been getting to go.  Then last night I got a pretty twisted up feeling tummy and then really really went.  I felt fine after that.  This morning im still feeling fine but my stomach was making lots of gurgling noises!   Nothing ever came of it.  Later on now this morning I started to feel that heavy crampy feeling in my lower ab.  more the the left side though I was feeling some twinges and dull aches.  now i just for the most part feel the crampy feeling all the way across my lower ab.  I keep thinking this shouldnt be so hard.  I either am pregnant or im not i hate analyzing all this. i feel like my brain has convinced me that im pregnant!  and that im slightly insane.

I had the most wonderful dream last night that I had a beautiful baby girl.  I even dreamed I had to deliver her on my own and she was perfect.  I woke up missing her and sad because she wasnt here with me.

Anyway AF is due approx Thurs.  Im supposed to be able to test on thurs.  I did test yesterday and got a negative.  I was even more surprised since the trigger shot is known to give false positives that being the reason for waiting the full 2 weeks.  i guess it was no longer in my system.  I have the heavy somewhat crampy feeling in lower ab and lower back.  totally could be AF but also same symptoms as pregnancy.  Im totally still praying for the later!

This being my first true good efforted try I feel the disapointment will be huge for me if I see AF.  Im so scared of that.  I am hoping that tomorrow being I am getting done with work early to go see my sons choir concert that that might be a good distraction from thinking about it.