well here I am the day before my next US. Could very possibly be my last US. Im so scared of that. I hope to have US's every 3 months for the next 9 months! lol. I really need to see an egg larger than 2.0 and a lining of at least 1.0. I have been praying hard for this. I am soooo trying to stay positive and focused. I keep getting these excited flutters in my heart. My old doll house that my grandpa built my mom when she was a little girl keeps popping in my head. I want to refinish it for my daughter. I get that same flutter when I realize I might be pregnant next week! When I think about telling all my friends and family the good news. When I think about my wonderful pregnancy that I so desire to experience again. When I think about giving birth again. Bradys birth was the best day of my life and I remember everything. But When he came out and surprised us by being a boy there was so much going on and I wanted to get out of the tub and I had to get cleaned up before I could truly sit and just hold him. There was a lot going on and I feel like Its all just a blur and I just want to experience it all again. I want Brady to experience it with me. I cant wait till the baby comes out and I can call Brady to come in to see it. I just know he will be crying. He is such a special and sentimental boy. He will want to hold him/her, feed him/her, get his/her clothes out. Anything. I am realistic as well though and I do know with the age difference there will be times of trial. Times when he needs or wants something from me and I have my hands full. I have no intention of letting my interactions with him suffer. I will be spread thin being a SM and all but its what I want and I know I can handle it. We are living our lives and making new relationships. I know I have many friends on my side. And my parents the joy I just know they will feel knowing they will have another grandchild, that too excites me. I always thought Id have more than one child. Possibly 3. I have promised myself a grieving period if this is not meant to be, but also to get back up on that horse and to live my life with the most important thing in my life and that is my son. I still cannot at this point imagine that this is not going to work. I just know this is meant to be. Even though doubt tries to creep in.
If I see everything I need to see with my US tomorrow I imagine just like last month I will trigger that night and then IUI friday morning. I have taken Friday off in the hopes of having a relaxing day for myself. Last month I ended up sick and I dont know if that hurt my chances at all but having Friday off at least assures that I can relax when I get home. It is hard for me to take time off so I am a little scared that having the day off already that what if the US doesnt look perfect and I dont inseminate this month? then I would have wasted a day off. Because I dont think I can get people to come on friday If i tell them tomorrow night that they can. Im afraid they all probably have made other plans already. If I dont IUI on Friday and I already have the day off that just means I will have to do it again next month! This part is so stressful for me. I just keep praying that maybe this month I will have 2 eggs over 2.0 and a wonderful lining! My mom has even made it possible for her to take brady to school before work on friday so that i dont have to worry about that.
If by some awful chance I do not see what we need to see tomorrow I will not waste the last vial. I am thinking it might be time to try other meds. Ones that do not have the risk of cysts and that do not dry up my lining. I really do not want to have to do this since Clomid has been giving me good eggs but I feel it might be necessary.
If you remember at the start of all this I wanted to have an end of 2012 baby. If I conceive with this cycle my due date will be Jan 7 2013. Brady was born a week early so 2012 is still possible! But honestly I dont really care anymore if its 2013!
I am going to believe with all my heard and all my prayers that Friday the 13th, 2012 will be my lucky day!!!!
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