lets do this again

well here I am the day before my next US.  Could very possibly be my last US. Im so scared of that.  I hope to have US's every 3 months for the next 9 months! lol.  I really need to see an egg larger than 2.0 and a lining of at least 1.0.  I have been praying hard for this.  I am soooo trying to stay positive and focused.  I keep getting these excited flutters in my heart.  My old doll house that my grandpa built my mom when she was a little girl keeps popping in my head.  I want to refinish it for my daughter.  I get that same flutter when I realize I might be pregnant next week!  When I think about telling all my friends and family the good news.  When I think about my wonderful pregnancy that I so desire to experience again.  When I think about giving birth again.  Bradys birth was the best day of my life and I remember everything.  But When he came out and surprised us by being a boy there was so much going on and I wanted to get out of the tub and I had to get cleaned up before I could truly sit and just hold him.  There was a lot going on and I feel like Its all just a blur and I just want to experience it all again.  I want Brady to experience it with me.  I cant wait till the baby comes out and I can call Brady to come in to see it.  I just know he will be crying.  He is such a special and sentimental boy.  He will want to hold him/her, feed him/her, get his/her clothes out.  Anything.  I am realistic as well though and I do know with the age difference there will be times  of trial.  Times when he needs or wants something from me and I have my hands full.  I have no intention of letting my interactions with him suffer.  I will be spread thin being a SM and all but its what I want and I know I can handle it.  We are living our lives and making new relationships.  I know I have many friends on my side.  And my parents the joy I just know they will feel knowing they will have another grandchild, that too excites me.  I always thought Id have more than one child.  Possibly 3.  I have promised myself a grieving period if this is not meant to be, but also to get back up on that horse and to live my life with the most important thing in my life and that is my son.  I still cannot at this point imagine that this is not going to work.  I just know this is meant to be.  Even though doubt tries to creep in.

If I see everything I need to see with my US tomorrow I imagine just like last month I will trigger that night and then IUI friday morning.  I have taken Friday off in the hopes of having a relaxing day for myself.  Last month I ended up sick and I dont know if that hurt my chances at all but having Friday off at least assures that I can relax when I get home.  It is hard for me to take time off so I am a little scared that having the day off already that what if the US doesnt look perfect and I dont inseminate this month?  then I would have wasted a day off.  Because I dont think I can get people to come on friday If i tell them tomorrow night that they can.  Im afraid they all probably have made other plans already.  If I dont IUI on Friday and I already have the day off that just means I will have to do it again next month!  This part is so stressful for me.  I just keep praying that maybe this month I will have 2 eggs over 2.0 and a wonderful lining!  My mom has even made it possible for her to take brady to school before work on friday so that i dont have to worry about that.

If by some awful chance I do not see what we need to see tomorrow I will not waste the last vial.  I am thinking it might be time to try other meds.  Ones that do not have the risk of cysts and that do not dry up my lining.  I really do not want to have to do this since Clomid has been giving me good eggs but I feel it might be necessary.

If you remember at the start of all this I wanted to have an end of 2012 baby.  If I conceive with this cycle my due date will be Jan 7 2013.  Brady was born a week early so 2012 is still possible!  But honestly I dont really care anymore if its 2013!

I am going to believe with all my heard and all my prayers that Friday the 13th, 2012 will be my lucky day!!!!

Dear God,

Dear God,

I ask that you show yourself this week.  I am in need of your presence and your guidance.  Please allow my body to be healthy and work properly in order to carry my healthy child that I know you are going to give me and my family.  Please bless my Dr and give him guidance with the procedures I will have done.  Thank you Lord for all that you have given me especially my precious son.  He would so love to be a big brother and I am proud of him and I know he would be a darn good one.  Lord I truly want to experience the miracle of life just this one last time.  Please bless me with a healthy boy or girl to raise.  I promise to take care of this child for all of his/her days along side Brady, and to be the best parent I can be and to teach him/her your way.  We are part of a wonderful church that I cannot wait to introduce him/her to.  Lord I just pray that you are with me in whatever you decide, no matter what happens I will indeed need you.

                                              Amen

game over

Well its official.  I am out of the game for this month.  Im devistated and truely surprised!  I really felt like this was it.  The timing was perfect.  I cant help but worry about the things that I cannot control!  Like are the sperm mobile?  My doctor does not check this.  But the donor has pregnancies so I am trying to just trust it.  Also am I too late  when I am doing the IUI?  Did the trigger make O the next day and I waited the full 36 hours?  Yesterday I had heavy cramping and I started with some brown cm and then some pink/red and then brown again.  Today so far all Im getting is some yucky brown.  The pink in the middle yesterday was weird for my cycle. I usually have brown for a couple days and red for one day.  I continued to try to hold out hope yesterday.  Only to be dissapointed yet again today.  My temps have been way down 2 days in a row now.  Now my next concern is do I count this crap in my cycle?  or do I wait for it to turn red?  That is the same concern every month.  I hate my period and If I have to have it I just wish it was normal again.  I am at my 1 year anniversary of when I started all this and im just in a funk right now.  I talked to god out loud last night.  I have been going to a ladies church meeting where we just recently talked about how God is with us in the good and bad time and the times when we are struggling.  The times when we wonder where he is he is actually there.  And that we should ask him once in awhile to show himself.  I asked him that yesterday and he did not show this morning.  When I woke up and got another low temp I was angry and I told him that he was not there.  Friends keep telling me that this might not be in Gods plan.  Do they think that helps the way I feel at all?  that is an awful thought that God would not want me to have something that would so dearly make me happy!  I am so used to working hard for the things I want.  Setting a goal and doing all I can to obtain it.  I dont blame God when I dont have the money to buy something I want.  Its my own fault I didnt save it.  So when it comes to this, something that I cannot control just by having money or earning it or working hard for it I just dont know  how to deal.  I feel very sad because I can only afford to try one more time.  What if thats not it?  Last month I just knew it would work but if it didnt I knew I had one more try.  This month I dont have that reassurance.  Maybe I dont need it.  That would be great.  I feel like if I had more money I could keep trying but even with money I do not have control of weather it works or not.  So I cannot justify spending more money.  If it is Gods will for me to have another child it will happen this time.  Because this is all I have.  I do hope that God knows that.  A friend also told me that its in time like this when we are sad or weak that the devil tries to sneak in.  She said that God is watching for our reactions to situations.  I hope that God understands my disspointment this morning and knows that I still believe in him, that I still need him.  And that even though hard I do understand that my plan may not be the same as his plan.  Again hard for me to believe that he wouldnt want something for me that would make me and Brady and the rest of my family unbelieveably happy.  I hope that God doesnt give up on me because I might thought for a few moments that he abandoned me.  I did not curse him or say anything that I regret so I am happy that I didnt do that.   But I still worry if he might feel I abandoned him by accusing him of abandoning me.

waiting

ok so I have been going back and forth over the last week and a half between constipation and diarrhea.  mostly constipated but 2 times had diarrhea.  I am normally very regular.  Up until last night I have not been getting to go.  Then last night I got a pretty twisted up feeling tummy and then really really went.  I felt fine after that.  This morning im still feeling fine but my stomach was making lots of gurgling noises!   Nothing ever came of it.  Later on now this morning I started to feel that heavy crampy feeling in my lower ab.  more the the left side though I was feeling some twinges and dull aches.  now i just for the most part feel the crampy feeling all the way across my lower ab.  I keep thinking this shouldnt be so hard.  I either am pregnant or im not i hate analyzing all this. i feel like my brain has convinced me that im pregnant!  and that im slightly insane.

I had the most wonderful dream last night that I had a beautiful baby girl.  I even dreamed I had to deliver her on my own and she was perfect.  I woke up missing her and sad because she wasnt here with me.

Anyway AF is due approx Thurs.  Im supposed to be able to test on thurs.  I did test yesterday and got a negative.  I was even more surprised since the trigger shot is known to give false positives that being the reason for waiting the full 2 weeks.  i guess it was no longer in my system.  I have the heavy somewhat crampy feeling in lower ab and lower back.  totally could be AF but also same symptoms as pregnancy.  Im totally still praying for the later!

This being my first true good efforted try I feel the disapointment will be huge for me if I see AF.  Im so scared of that.  I am hoping that tomorrow being I am getting done with work early to go see my sons choir concert that that might be a good distraction from thinking about it.

sad

I am feeling sad and discouraged today.  I have no symptoms to speak of other than the fact that i am emotional.  But thats probably just me being anxious.

I broke down and tested.  It says negative.  I am still praying that Im too early.  So much for the trigger shot giving a false positive!  I woulda done anything to have seen a positive just now.

I feel like this just cannot be happening.  I believe that I am pregnant.  I have heard women who have been trying for a long time say the same things though.  I dont want to sound stupid or naive by saying that.  I did not take the test with my first morning urine.  So every day I can believe that I am pregnant.  And then the day I crack and take the test knowing its too early I can find every reason in the book not to believe it.  Its too early, it wasnt first morning urine.  I knew this test would not help my dilemma so I have no idea why i couldnt stay strong and wait.  I waited last time.  But I was so disapointed when I started spotting!  Its almost like I want to know before the spotting starts so that Im not as disapointed.  However I am still praying that I tested to early making for a really happy exciting moment when I test again and it says positive this time!

Oh I am so psycho at this point.  I just cannot imagine going through all this again.  Im so scared that if it doesnt happen this month that it might not at all! I as a naturally pecimistic person have been so optimistic through this whole thing.  I have been taken down a peg every month for the last year.  I am not sure how much longer I can hold the optimism!  Please lord change that test for me on friday!

what a roller coaster ride.

Well I'm back to being disapointed again this morning.  Yesterday that breast tenderness I was feeling pretty much disappeared.  And nothing this morning.  I wondered if it was just the bra I was wearing that day.

I keep thinking about testing early but I just fear that false positive.  and even more I fear a negative!

Excited about possible new symptom

So every day I hope to wake up with some sort of symptom that will encourage me.  I have for the most part not been waking up with anything new and then I end up dissapointed.  Later in the afternoon something new usually pops up and then I am excited again.  Here are a couple new things

Yesterday I woke up and was very dizzy.
I had a slight temp dip yesterday morning (does not nec mean implantation dip)
lower ab felt heavy
had to get up the last couple nights to use the bathroom once
still gassy
I was disapointed again this morning when nothing new happened.  Although my temp did go back up.  Then late this afternoon my underarms and sides of my breasts started to hurt.  I know totally weird but I am excited about it! lol

I am 8 days in to the 2WW.  Bring on more symptoms!